reflection – Dayton is my Middle Name

What the hell am I doing here?

June 14, 2009 By LindsayDayton

If my internal monologue has had a theme over the last two days, it has been “What the hell am I doing?” We got to Edinburgh about 2pm on Saturday, after a lovely beer-soaked evening in Lancaster with Craig, his Katie, and Rob. As we were driving in, it occurred to me that although I did make a hotel reservation for that evening, I wasn’t actually sure how to get there. And I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing, that I don’t even know how to get to the hotel?”

Turns out, Paul and I both are good with directions and landmarks and such and we found the place, found parking, and checked in without much trouble. We headed to the hotel bar for a snack, a beer, and a wifi connection so that I could start finalizing our apartment-viewing schedule for the day. And I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing, that I just rolled into town and don’t even know who is around to show me their apartments today?”

I managed to set up a couple of appointments for the late afternoon. The first was passable; it was in an interesting neighborhood and the flat was nice enough. It belonged to a 25 year old dude, so it had a certain dark sparseness that seems a hallmark of that phase of bachelorhood–you know, money to own a flat, but no girl yet to make it homey. The second, I didn’t even get inside of because just a quick drive through the neighborhood told me it wasn’t what I was looking for. No big deal though, I had at least two people that wanted to meet me on Sunday, so we’ll call the apartment hunt off for a couple of hours and be tourists for the evening. And I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing, holding out for something even better, when I already found something that will work?”

Being a tourist in Edinburgh is really just a lovely experience, if you don’t mind the rain. We walked the Royal Mile, had a snack of some chocolate soup, cruised around the castle, and planned roughly 50,000 things we’d like to see during the Film/Music/Theater festivals here in August. We shared a great dinner and a bottle of wine, and as we were falling asleep, I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing, that I don’t even know where I’ll be sleeping tomorrow night?”

This morning, Sunday, was simply glorious in Edinburgh. We had breakfast at a sidewalk cafe, and after making three phone calls and sending two emails, and still not having a single appointment to actually view an apartment, I thought, “Holy shit, what the hell am I doing?”

And then I thought, “You know, I really haven’t asked myself that enough times in my life.”

I don’t mean that I don’t think about the choices I make, I mean that I tend to plan, prepare, and choose a safe, predictable route, no matter what’s available to me, specifically in an effort to avoid the kind of low-grade panic that’s been following me around for the last 24 hours. Wow, is that boring.

Especially since I’m here now. Here, being my flat. My flatmate is a fellow geek, a traveler, and a Scotland native. I live about a 10 minute walk from the castle. I’m closer than that even to a glorious selection of bars, pubs, cafes, restaurants, theaters and, yes, yarn stores.

Filed Under: Archive, reflection, travel

Drama

August 15, 2008 By LindsayDayton

I couldn’t work this afternoon. Sometimes you hit a wall, and today my wall was about 2:30. Rather than fester in a lack of productivity at work, I decided to make the call and achieve productivity elsewhere, so I went home to continue unpacking.

Today, it’s trying to get the office set up, which means unpacking the boxes of professional teaching texts, grad school papers and other things that I will need to keep handy in the case that I actually decide to finish my thesis and my MA. But that’s not what I want to talk about.

I also found a box containing all of the stage manager’s scripts for shows that I had worked on. Not only scripts, but all of the cards, programs, photos, and other memorabilia from that time in my life. It was amazing to sift through it all and be bombarded by memories of friends and loves, drama both performed and lived.

Turns out there was one guy who thought I would be good at something, so he gave me the opportunity to do it (not unlike my current job, it turns out). The guy was Amir, that show was Assassins, and I was the painfully underqualified stage manager, trying to make up for my lack of experience with hard work and charm. And that’s pretty much what I did. The experience of watching that script, those actors, and that black box of a room being transformed is one that I will always feel honored to have. It was magical, friends, magical. Like falling in love, or visiting your favorite place, or just having a really good day, it is the kind of magic makes you want to do it again.

Though not every cast, not every director, not every crew makes something magic, there is something about the pursuit of it that is compelling. I worked a full time job in accounting and administration during the day, only to be able to maintain my theater habit. I stage managed eight shows over the course of just over two years. I am fairly certain that there was a six-week period when I didn’t actually see my roommate because my schedule was so ridiculous and demanding. But I was young, and exhaustion meant little.

Some day, I will write a post about the actual musical Assassins, in order to defend my irrational fascination with people who tried to kill American presidents. Maybe I’ll write about some of the other shows I did, too. Some day, I will write a post about my experience working for Jeopardy! and the hardest promise I will never get to break. Today, though, I’m struck by the resounding passion I still have for these things, though they are so far from where I am now.

Filed Under: reflection Tagged With: reflection, theater, unpacking

I forgot

August 8, 2008 By LindsayDayton

I am embarassed by the radio silence here. Sometimes, the embarassment makes me want to not break the silence. One of my favorite internet marketing guru insists that not doing something at all is better than doing something poorly that you *could* do well.

This thought has led me to spend the last 2 months fantasizing about archiving all my content, changing the homepage to simple .pdf of my resume and moving on. In the end, this blog hasn’t really been about anything other than me, which is really only interesting if you already love me. I have fantasies of making this a fantastic knitting blog. I have fantasies of making this blog about ethical SEO and non-hyped 2.0. I have fantasies that even my plain, boring little life can be made interesting by writing it down. But, if you’re reading this, then you know I have done none of those things. So, I was going to quit.

But then, I came by to review an old post that may have interesting implications for my work. And I reread some things that I wrote. And I enjoyed them. I enjoyed reading them at least as much as I enjoyed writing them. I forgot that I enjoyed this whole thing.

Maybe I’m not ready to give up on this.

Filed Under: reflection Tagged With: reflection

Adaptation

May 31, 2008 By LindsayDayton

It’s funny, really, how quickly I am able to adapt to my surroundings. I remember moving to Seattle and being so relieved at the culturally-lowered expectations on my appearance, and the raised expectations on my activity and intelligence.

I’m back in San Diego for ten days, and I’ve bought cute summer clothes, had my hair cut and highlighted, worked on my tan, and generally enjoyed being a pretty girl again. (Here’s the evidence–me, with some girls I met, at some club)

Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing in this life.

The cause: Matt and I broke up a couple weeks ago. It was a rough time, but the months leading up the the split were rougher, so we’re both pretty confident that it was the right thing to do.

So, I’m playing at being a San Diegan for now. It’s really a lovely place to be, especially with Rachel’s generosity allowing me to spend most of my time at the beach.

I have no idea what my next move will be, and I am taking great pains to be okay with that. I’m not one who does well without a direction–normally, I’m queen of making the best of whatever direction befalls me. With a job I love, and virtually the entire world available to me, I’m more terrified than excited about the range of possibilities available to me.

So, where should I go?

Filed Under: reflection Tagged With: moving, san diego, Seattle

My Reality

February 26, 2007 By LindsayDayton

So the funny thing about this post is that I have something to say, but I can’t actually tell you anything.

I have found, over the past several months, that the frequency with which I indulge in dot-com entrepreneurial fantasies has skyrocketed. On the one hand, I’m proud. A year ago, I would have been smart enough to understand what the suggested businesses are, but not knowledgeable enough to contribute usefully to the conversation. I have learned a lot, and I think it’s a lot of very valuable (in the literal sense) information. So, yay, one more reason not to feel guilty about not teaching anymore.

Really, this is about the excitement and embarrassment of participating in entrepreneurial fantasies.

Excited, clearly, because I am easily the kind of person who thinks big. I think big, I talk big, I dream big, I eat big. Entrepreneurial fantasies totally suit me, especially now that I am no longer plagued by crippling ineffectiveness in an elementary school classroom.

But also, it’s a little embarrassing. Do I really believe that I and my small band of intelligent but equally human cohorts could be successful in imagining and implementing a business? We’re cool and everything, but really?

So many ideas floating around these days. Lots of them are bad. Lots of them are over my head. But a few of them are downright good. By good I mean I’d work there. I’d risk a lot to be a part of the founding efforts. And I’m excited to have imagined them over a taco.

I just can’t talk about what they are.

Filed Under: entreprenurial, reflection

At the bottom of the mountain

November 7, 2006 By LindsayDayton

I have not had the opportunity to spend a lot of time in Colorado.

While I loved high school church camp up there in Rocky Mountain National Park, I think experiences like that could have been just as good nearly anywhere in the nation (except Texas).This past week, I got to spend a couple days in Boulder, and then a few more in Denver. I didn’t meet lots of people, and I didn’t act like a tourist. Mostly, I just hung out with my friends and stared at the beautiful mountains there to the west. Beautiful. Big rocks. Steep steep inclines. Green. Jagged. To me, the only drawback is that they make the western horizon quite tall, and therefore direct sunlight even more scarce.

I just can’t get over the metaphor of living at the bottom of the mountains–mountains like that, that are so new and rugged on a global scale. And there are just so many metaphors.So I started to think–which one represents my current location? Am I preparing for the trek of a lifetime? Am I living in the shadow of something overwhelming? Am I resting triumphantly after the trek of a lifetime? Am I in a holding pattern–not brave enough to try to conquer something so formidable?

I don’t actually know, but if awe and peace are the overwhelming emotions when I look at those mountains, I’m not worried.

Filed Under: reflection, travel